An Alternative Explanation for Galactica 1980
Subj: Alternative G:80
Date: 94-06-02 04:09:20 EDT
From: LizBeth258@aol.com
To: LizBeth258
Hi all!
It must be the beginning of summer in New England has fried my
brain, but this bit of weirdness occured to me. Since I love
infecting (or is that inflicting?) other people with my twisted
sense of humor, I felt I HAD to share this with you. You can all
beat me up on the list or in private if you want. (Special thanks to
Chuck Norris, one of my first victims who had some helpful
comments. You can blame him too, by the way.)
While reading Epi-Log Journal 14, which has an extensive article
on BSG, I saw that Larson was joking that G:80 could either
become a "computer similution" of what would happen if the fleet
DID find earth too soon or that the whole thing was nothing more
than Starbuck's worst nightmare come true.
In my own twisted mind, I have yet a third explaination. G:80 is
nothing more than a really bad science fiction mini-series
broadcast by the IFB...
(Scene: Apollo, Sheba, Boomer, Cassiopea and Athena are sitting in
various sprawled positions around Cassiopea's quarters staring in
disbelief at the video screen. The floor is littered with popcorn
and some empty cans of ale. The sounds of a show's closing credits
can be dimly heard in the background.)
Boomer (trying not to laugh): What the frak did we just watch?
Sheba (stunned): I'm not sure.
Boomer (fighting the laughter now): What really kills me is that
we actually were following this thing once a secton for
the past few sectons and we STILL couldn't figure out
what we were watching! I feel like I wasted my eyesight.
Apollo (blinking like a deer caught in headlights): My father almost
popped a blood vessel when he found out he was a "regular
character." I'm glad he refused to watch it. He came off
like he was senile. And that BEARD! It was so obviously
fake! If he actually saw any of it, he'd order the IFB studios
blown up.
Boomer (chuckling): Yeah, but he's not the only one who got pulled
into this mess.
Apollo (accusingly): At least your character was intelligent,
sensitive and....
Cassiopea (cutting in): Played by a good actor.
Starbuck (off stage): Don't remind me.
Sheba (smiling evilly): You can come out of the kitchen now. It's
over.
Starbuck (off stage): I'm not going any where until that fraking
music stops.
Athena (wonderingly): How did they find out Boxey's real name is
Troy?
Cassiopea: It's called making a quick check with the personnel
computer.
Apollo (grumbling): Poor Boxey. The actor who played him was
simply awful. Even I could see he was doing it for the
money. At least the guy who played Dillon has some
promise.
Boomer (grining): You mean compared to the other actors? Well, at
least they came up with a semi-believable character with
Dillon. But the Earthers. Sheesh.
Sheba (disgustedly): And let's not forget the boy genius. What's 'is
name? Dr. Zero. Dr. Zen. Dr. Zed...
Starbuck (off stage): Dr Zee.
Sheba: You should know..... Dad.
Starbuck (poking his head into the room with a furious look on his
face): I can't BELIEVE this. I was blind-sided. I had no
idea I'd wind up as a character. I ought to sue for
defamation. The Return of Starbuck, indeed.
Cassiopea (lightly): Can't. You're a public figure. They can do just
about anything they want to you. So long as it isn't
malicious disregard.
Starbuck (strides into room and angrily shuts off the vid screen):
That wasn't malicious?
Apollo (still dazed): Sorry, Starbuck. Cassie's right. Besides, if you
could sue, you'd have to get in line behind my father and
Boxey.
Sheba (amused): Before or after your father blows up the IFB
studios?
Starbuck (grumbling): I'm gonna find the actor who played me and
behead him before he does me more damage. Anyone get
his name?
Cassiopea (soothingly): Well, he wasn't THAT bad.
Starbuck (shooting Cassiopea a dark look): Did you hear those over-
emotional voice-overs? And what the frak is a 'year'
anyway? That Angela woman isn't even my type!
Sheba (archily while Cassiopea sniggers): You mean there's a
woman out there who ISN'T your type.
Starbuck (ignoring her): Not only that, they left me stranded on a
desert planet! Like I wouldn't try and figure out how to
fly that raider all by myself. PLUS, they still had me
involved with Cassoipea AND Athena. No offense, Athena,
but....
Athena (still dazed): None taken. I heard it and almost hit the vid
screen. But I was too stunned to even move.
Cassiopea (amused): He did bear a striking resemblence to you,
Starbuck. Maybe he's a relative.
Starbuck (grumpily): No way. Understand he's Gemonese. Maybe he's
related to you...
Cassiopea (absently): Lords, I hope not.
(Everyone gives Cassiopea a startled look.)
Cassiopea (shrugging): I thought he's was really good looking.
Starbuck (blinking): You're kidding, right? That perfect teeth,
perfect eyes, perfect hair, perfect sensitivity,
stranded on a planet for Lords of Kobol know how long
and not a TRACE of beard stubble, that cardboard....
Cassiopea (laughing): Don't worry. I find your physical flaws much
more charming.
Starbuck (grumbling): Thanks. I think.
Boomer (amused): Well, this is what we get for actually watching
this felgercarb.
Apollo (surprised): Are you trying to say we ASKED for this?
Boomer: We watched it, right? All through the Super Scouts,
Spaceball and that visit to that city with the Cylons. What
was the name of it....
Athena (absently): Nu Yawk. I think...
Boomer: Right. Nu Yawk. All in all, pretty terrible. This should
teach us all a lesson.
Starbuck (sarcastically): And what lesson is that?
Boomer: In the future, we should stay as far away as possible from
bad science fiction.....
Stay tuned for Michele's Part 2!
>From the sick minds that brought you Battlestar Red...
Liz ;)
lizbeth258@aol.com
Subj: Our Heroes' Revenge
Date: 94-06-02 17:25:41 EDT
From: mma@galactose.mc.duke.edu
To: LizBeth258
Hey all!
Well, in response to Liz's Alternate G:80 post, I devised Our
Heroes' Revenge--a little sketch explaining how our heroes caused
the cancelation of the dread Galactica and Earth (the colonial name
for G:80 since they wouldn't know about the Anno Domini dating
system) and saved the fleet from a fate worse than Cylons. Here goes:
Our Heroes Revenge
(The scene: Bridge. Adama is discussing general military stuff
with Boomer, Starbuck, and Apollo. Suddenly a very disgruntled
and perturbed looking woman charges on to the bridge....)
Woman: Commander Adama!! I have something I wish to discuss
with you! [shoots glare at warriors] AND with your
warriors!
Adama: And you are?
Woman: As if you couldn't guess. My name is Naomi, production
coordinator for the IFB, and I'll warn you now, we are NOT
going to stand for this..this...outrage!
Adama [puzzled]: I'm afraid I don't understand. Can you be more
specific as to the nature of your..problem?
Naomi: It's a plot...a conspiracy. I know how disgruntled you are
with our little drama about the fleet discovering Earth. He
[points accusatory finger at Starbuck] threatened to make
our writers eat their scripts and the stenopads they wrote
them on AND challenged Adrian, the Gemonese actor who
portrayed him in the last episode, to a triad game!
Adama: Well, there's nothing wrong with a little friendly
competition...
Naomi: To the death?!
Adama: Starbuck, is this true?
Starbuck [feigning to look repentant]: Sorry sir, I'm afraid I got
carried away after that last episode...you have to
understand, I...well, I was a little upset.
Adama: Understandable. I saw the episode. Nevertheless, I think a
few deep space probes may be just what you need to cool
off.
Starbuck: Yessir.
Naomi: Oh, no. You're not getting off that easily. What about the
sabotage?! We haven't been able to complete another
episode of Galactica and Earth and our fans are very upset.
Starbuck [aside to Boomer and Apollo]: It had fans?!
Apollo: We watched it.
Starbuck: And didn't we regret it?
Adama [with stern look on his face]: Do you gentlemen know
anything about this matter? Starbuck?
Starbuck [with feigned innocent expression]: No, sir. We're as
surprised as you are. I mean, you don't think I'd stoop to
sabotage...I mean, it's not me. After all, given my
very...shall we say...memorable expressions of displeasure
about the show, it would be rather stupid to go about
sabotaging the production. I'd be number one suspect.
Naomi: Don't think you aren't. All of you! Adama, I plan to go to
the Council--who by the way, have all expressed approval
of our show...
Boomer [under his breath]: Now why doesn't that surprise me.
Naomi:...and demand a complete investigation into this. I'll have
you know that because of these...disturbances...we have been
forced to cancel our show!
Starbuck [to the ceiling]: There is a God.
Adama: Miss Naomi, please calm down. You still haven't told me
what the problem is.
Naomi: You know full well. First of all, our star Trent--you know
him as "Troy" was sent a tainted box of mushies from a
supposed admirer. Poor man wasn't able to work for a
secton. Kept vomiting and groaning about stomach pains.
Apollo [under his breath]: Funny, his acting affected me the same
way.
Naomi: And as if that weren't bad enough, we have been plagued by
equipment failures, costuming errors, and, most annoying
of all, even when we can get a scene on film,
this...this...thing, this pink thing barges across the stage
playing some small percussion instrument. It totally
disrupts the actors and it won't stop playing it's little...
whatever.
Adama [puzzled]: Can you describe this pink thing any further?
Where does it come from?
Naomi [peevedly]: Oh, I don't know. It just appears out of one of
the air vents. It looks like some kind of rodent with long
ears. No one can catch it or stop it. And it's starting to
disrupt other shows as well. It totally ruined more than one
advertising segment. I tell you, it's a curse. And I know you
have to have something to do with it! I'm going to the
Council!! [with that, she turns and storms off the bridge].
(As Naomi leaves, Adama turns to the warriors. He pauses to make
sure Naomi is out of earshot).
Adama: So, it worked. But what's this about a pink rodent? And
tainted mushies?
Apollo: Well they were Boxey's idea, actually. I think he was
really upset at being portrayed as such a, well, snidrat.
Says all his friends made fun of him. I think he just put
something in the mushies to induce vomiting--probably got
it from Cassiopeia. And the rodent thing was based on
something Dr. Wilker showed Boxey--a prototype for some
new toy ideas he had. I think he's worried that bored
children will sneak into his lab and mess up his equipment.
Anyway, I convinced him to lend us the prototype. Boomer
rigged it so that whenever the recorders began to receive
images, the thing would come out of the air vents and run
across the stage making noise and generally being
disruptive.
Boomer: That was after Starbuck and I snuck in and rewired all the
cameras and lights so that they would only function
intermittently. And Athena and Cassiopeia mixed up all
the costumes and even altered a few so that they would
fall apart if anyone tried to move around in them. Wish I
could have seen that...
Adama: Athena was involved as well?
Starbuck: Yeah, well, she got a little upset at not being mentioned
at all in most of the show and..see..she was kind of upset
at being mentioned as a continuing romantic interest of
mine in the beginning of that frakking Return episode
[looks genuinely embarassed at that last].
Adama: Well, I guess it is up to me to convince the Council that
none of you could have been involved in such an
undertaking. Perhaps if I tell them that you two [nods to
Boomer and Apollo] were actual...fans--excuse the insult to
your intelligence, and that you [to Starbuck] are more
likely to blow things up than resort to such subtle
sabotage, besides being too smart to do something of the
sort after such blatant antagonism to the show, they will
believe me. And, gentlemen, I thank you again for saving
this ship from a fate worse than death--more episodes of
"Galactica and Earth".
Starbuck: Sir, I don't care if they believe you or not. I'd rather
spend a few sectons on deep space patrol than to have to
endure another episode of that monstrosity.
Entire Bridge Crew: AMEN!!
The End, for now.